The benefit here of loving yourself while you’re in a relationship with another person is the satisfaction of feeling loved. Often when you enter a partnership with another person, their initial affection that they give and show you feels so good. It feels like the best thing in the world. This triggers a reaction that leaves you craving that more and more. Unfortunately, you then start to think subconsciously that the only way to get that feeling is from this other person.
Here is where the dangerous part happens. Getting that dose of love from your partner becomes so important that unknowingly you change yourself and your actions in a way that will make them give you that feeling more. This change in behavior happens without conscious awareness (until it becomes conscious). It also can become habit. Now these behaviors that are tilted in a way for your partner to show you affection become the norm. Often it isn’t until you break up that you feel the release of that attachment and you can see and feel the difference of your true self and intentions and whatever that was that you were giving to your partner.
I have often felt a re-coming home to myself after breakups and it was because I changed myself so much to please the other person and to basically get what I wanted from them, which was their love, approval and attention.
In a conscious relationship, you are the one giving yourself the love, approval and attention that you really need. This is great because you are the one that deeply can tap into the knowing of exactly what it is that you need. It is pretty unrealistic to expect your lover to know what you need and give it to you constantly, even though somewhere in our existence we were given the idea that it is plausible.
There is an incredible shift in my mood when I am the one stoking the flames of my inner love needs compared to when I am expecting my boyfriend to do so. I become confident in myself and so much less needy (even though I never would have considered myself needy.) I want to compare the difference to trees.. When I am tapped into loving myself, I first of all feel a connection to my own soul, and that feeling is everything. Also, when I am connected to myself I feel like a tree, standing tall, with her own root system into the world of independence and sufficiency.
My tree is placed next to my boyfriend’s tree. He already gives himself that love and doesn’t rely on me for it. We are two trees that can grow with each other, we can choose to mingle up our trunks and branches but we both have our feet and roots deep in the soil.
Compare this to when I am dependent on him for all my supply of love. My roots are not in the ground; they are not existent. Instead of a tree I am a log. I am leaning completely onto him. He then must support me fully. If there is a storm, it would be extremely easy for me to just slide on off and hit the ground. It just isn’t a sustainable relationship.
A great big benefit of self-love is that what you end up giving to the other person is authentic love, instead of giving something that is tainted with the expectation of receiving love back. I don’t need my boyfriend to reassure me that I am good so I don’t say things in the hopes that he will tell me that. I am coming from a place that is full, that is loved and thus is loving. When I love myself, the love I offer him is beautiful. The love I offer him is real and giving.
You have to fill yourself up first. With love and with everything that you want others to give you. I think when you start with love that the other things you want, respect, confidence, etc. will come more naturally or even with little effort. You will be able to notice and receive those feelings or compliments from other people more deeply. You will feel so good and instead of looking for things to fill you, you can be truly giving.
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